


Find Me in February

by hocusqocus



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eventual Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, also angst and panic attacks throughout, but before Civil War, but it sounds right, i think im not entirely sure tbh, it's after ultron, it's gonna take a bit tho, my date didn't show but you saw me alone and decided to sit with me au, this is the first thing i've finished in a year so lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-06-09 01:00:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15255933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hocusqocus/pseuds/hocusqocus
Summary: The month of February is one of love, passion, and overall joy filled in the air but Tony Stark has loved and lost as many times as he can count. After yet another heartbreak and the guilt he doesn't know if it's even worth it anymore. Hopefully the month of February will be kind to him.





	Find Me in February

Tony Stark is not a man who just sits. He is a man that has a brain that runs faster than a bullet train and hands that never cease to move, whether it be on his own accord or from the absurd amount of coffee running through his veins, it just doesn’t happen. Tony Stark does not sit. 

It is exactly why when Pepper makes her daily visit to Tony’s lab after a day at the office for updates (on his inventions or his health, it just depends) she is wary; nothing about him seems to be moving. The tablet in front of him had a video going on it, no sound however was emitting and as Pepper drew closer she could see why. 

Tony’s eyes were downcast as if he were watching the video of him and Peter Parker, his recent intern and web slinging hero of New York, modifying the legs Peter had suggested to his suit but his demeanor told her he was anywhere but here. 

“Tony?” She watched his hunched shoulders for any sign of acknowledgement whether from the knocking of her heels on the tile or the tentative tone in her voice but none came. She called his name again as she walked around the bench and even then it seemed to take him a few moments before his lost gaze finally met her concerned gaze, her eyebrows drawn together. 

“You know,” his voice had a touch of classic Tony lilt but still seemed detached if you knew Tony. “If you keep looking at me like that you’ll actually start to look fifty.” 

Pepper didn’t have the heart to be overly offended but rolled her eyes nonetheless. “It’s a miracle I don’t have grey hairs with how much we’ve been through together.” The corners of her mouth twitched at his snort but didn’t last long when she recognized the redness lining his eyes; she knew deflection like the back of her hand. “Seriously, are you all right?” 

For a moment she watched the wheels inside of his head turning as he scrounged up some excuse before sighing and rubbing at his tired eyes. “I’m just worried about the kid.” His eyes shot to the monitor again, a solemn air hanging around him while Pepper watched. 

The man before her was not one she had seen in quite some time, not since he’d arrived back from Afghanistan; crinkles around his eyes drew harsh lines that connected to the bags under his eyes while hollowed cheeks beneath appeared to test the limits of how much he could get away with not telling Pepper of his last meal. Grey stripes colored their way through his beard, a first since it always looked as if it belonged on the face of a thirty year old. His hands spoke the truth of the excruciating hours he’d put into not only the creations around him but those out in the world, hopefully serving their inventor proud like the calluses did. As her eyes took in details that before had seemed arbitrary she focused in on the corners of his mouth, downtrodden after a lifetime of disappointment and anguish that not one person deserved but was given anyhow. Years of lies, guilt, and heartbreak from people he trusted and those he failed to protect were finally weathering his face as if now was the breaking point, like the universe and all her glory had deemed today the finale of Tony Stark’s concealed pain. 

“Tony.” Her tone was sincere but finite, conveying how much she still loved him and needed to understand that. Once more his eyes wouldn’t meet her and she clasped both palms over his rough hands, putting everything she had into her grip. He finally looked at her. “You know we love you right? We’re here for you.” 

Pepper’s pupils never waved as Tony’s scrutinized hers, searching for something she didn’t know. Whether he found it or not she wouldn’t know either but the languid, radiant, _classic_ Tony Stark smile reassured her fear that he wouldn’t know. 

“I know.”  
Tony waved on as Happy and Pepper drove out of the compound toward their home, as was their every day tradition. Soon the headlights became nothing more than a blink in the night before disappearing altogether. 

He stood there a minute or two longer, eyes still trained to the horizon, his breathing almost nonexistent like his lungs were too exhausted to even continue on but the crushing weight in his head reminding him it wasn’t enough. One long breath drawn in, _one, two, three, four, five,_ one long breath drawn out. Finally turning away from the window, tired of watching the snow fall with a ferocity of the gods, it contradicted everything he felt in this moment, a stillness even the calmest of people would despise flooding his every fiber. 

Pepper’s visits were regular and he should have anticipated it as he usually did but for the first time since his mother’s death Tony was on autopilot. Nothing had affected him like the passing of his mother but apparently his heart thought this was a close second. With little desire to do much, the dimming black of the old MIT sweatpants dragged behind him as he wandered into the kitchen, another tablet mocking him from the countertop. 

He stood frozen to the spot, every single nerve in his body begging him to walk away, drowning out the compelling feeling to watch it just one more time and he’d be satisfied, he’d told himself that every time he watched it over the past week and yet, it never ceased the sick curiosity it held over him. 

“Sir, are you sure you should-”

“I’m fine, FRIDAY, just leave me alone.” 

The harshness in his voice made even himself wince with the silence following doing nothing to help his ever increasing guilt. 

“I’m sorry, FRIDAY.” 

“I know, Sir.” 

Even so she left him to his own devices and for a moment he wished she hadn’t but the urge to watch one more time left him thankful. The footage from that night was still open, just like it had been yesterday and the day before. It was paused in the middle of the video and his finger dragged the level until it started over. 

Tony watched as ~~Bucky~~ Barnes sat beside Steve on the bed he and Tony had shared countless nights on when Steve begged him to _just come to bed, it’ll be there in the morning,_ before he’d gone to stay with Falcon. It took no time for Steve’s eyes to find Barnes’ as they sat with knees touching, hands loosely clutching one another. 

_“Steve, you need to tell him already.” His voice was sure, definite that this was the best option as he spoke. “You and I both know this is what’s right.”_

Even from the camera being trained mostly on Barnes’ face he could still see the conflict on Steve’s as he looked toward the floor. _“I know it feels right but that doesn’t mean it is. I love you, Bucky, but I still love Tony too.”_

His heart clenched at the proclamation, aching at the idea that the first time he’d heard those words in god knows how long it wasn’t even directed at him. 

_“I’ve loved you since you were scrappy kid in Brooklyn and I still love the man you’ve become today, even if I didn’t always remember you.”_ Tony watches as Barnes grabs Steve’s face, drawing him back in with eyes that stung with death and the intensity of the snow burrowing him inside. _“I’ve waited to love you for a century and I’m not ready to wait any longer.”_

_“Bucky,” Steve’s voice is barely above a whisper as he places a hand over the one Bucky’s cradling his cheek with. Their faces grow closer together, eyes sliding shut while foreheads connect. “I lo-”_

The sound of metal hitting glass destroys the sound of video as Tony’s breathing becomes rapid. He hides his head in his hands, willing himself to breath even just one breath that doesn’t constrict his throat but he’s lost all control over his nervous system at this point. No sound emits but Tony knows it’s not because of broken equipment but of lips finally colliding, ones he’d traced over and over again and engraved into his memory; he could find those lips in the dark, bright blue eyes entrancing him even when nothing else shone through. 

_“I love you.”_

Everything around him seems to be fading as silent, broken, throat-clenching, sobs wreak havoc on his mind, body, and soul that replays the scene over and over again. He tries to stand and labor his breathing all at once but nothing works, his whole body shuts down as he falls against the counter and his feet give way. 

The guilt of Ultron weighed in the back of his mind, the lives he was responsible for coming forth, things he’d tried to not think about for months. Almost killing Pepper with the Extremis serum; taking innocent lives with his own creations, with his own two hands; the shame at having witnessed such a private moment that Steve would never have told him about. 

Short puffs of air that barely constituted breathing escaped him as his eyes frantically searched for anything to help bring him back. Nothing within his line of sight or grasp would be helpful except for- No. 

_But it would be so easy,_ a dark corner of his mind whispered as he struggled to tear his gaze away from the bottle of whiskey that’d been left out when Steve was over the other night. It would be easy, easy to relapse and forget that he was undeserving of love, everyone he’d ever been with proved that to him some way or another. It would settle his breathing, ease the ever increasing storm brewing over his mind, even if it was only for a few hours. It was so tantalizing, so seductive to just feel the burn on the back his tongue, feel it glide down his throat, and settle in his stomach while snaking through his bloodstream-

No. 

That part of him was over, he’d been sober for three months now; it was not about to be thrown away over a man who clearly didn’t need him anymore. 

Knuckles paled as they gripped the counter and pulled him up, heavy inhales through his mouth and quiet exhales through his nose helped to push the black spots to the edges of his vision. He stood there for five minutes, breathing in and out as the plethora of therapists he’d seen drilled into his head, glaring at the still amber liquid challenging him to fall back into his old ways. 

When he finally found his footing Tony took the few short steps to grab the neck of the bottle. 

_I am better than this,_ he chanted as he unscrewed the dark red cap from its secure hold. 

_I am better than this,_ he chanted as he seemed to glide over to the sink. 

_I am better than this,_ he chanted as the sink was dyed brown for a moment until all traces of it disappeared. 

“I am better than this.” Tony said aloud as he dropped the bottle in the recycling bin and walked away from it and slid into his bed. 

“I am better than this.” He whispered into the dark one last time, a lone tear trailing from his eye, down his nose, brushing against his lips before falling on the pillow. 

Even if he didn’t always believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully y'all enjoyed that little angst i finally brought my writing career back with lol. i'm planning on a chapter for every week in the month of february so 4 chapters at least, fingers crossed
> 
> shameless plug lol  
> tumblr: hocusqocus  
> twitter: /qveenlestrange
> 
> thanks for your support!


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